Could you let go?

Question

For me, web design and striving to be a successful entreprenuer is the last big desire to let go.

It still brings me stress. I put so much pressure on my self and adopted an all or nothing attitude. Focusing all my attention on it. Trying to make money from it straight away. Naively believing the clients and money would follow.

I'm releasing even by saying that, as I clocked before. That was the first idea when I started. I started the squarespace course after a betrayal. A way to bury my head deep in another adventure. I had fun with it and learnt an amazing new skill.

I think it was, somewhere buried in there, a way to show those i’d distanced myself from that ‘fuck it I dont need you I can do this on my own’. I’ll find my tribe. Amongst the successful and ambitious. The ones that felt like they were striving and working for something. ‘I’m Working to be my own boss’. A favourite bar of mine for a while that circulated in my head and kept me looking ahead.

I wanted and craved and desired to be this successful young man. To prove to all the ones that doubted. Or all the ones that never let me in. To show them. Look you’ve got no other option now to let me in. I fit in now. You cant ignore me. I have worked hard like you and have proved my worth. Thats it done. Close up shop. Thats all there is.

Right?

But I think this is the final desire I need to let go of. It doesnt mean saying goodbye forever. I am so grateful my parents were willing to invest in my craft and allowed me to develop a skill I can use. It just may mean that it comes in later down in this story. When the time is right, for the right person. It could be on the side or left alone to die. But right now that doesn’t matter.

What matters is giving my brain a break and cutting myself some slack. I’m still so hard on myself to be this perfect, hard working, insightful, intellectual, successful, fit man. But I can only be what I already am. Enough self help books. Thats what this journey for me has shown. The person that was always beneath but hidden with a disguise to protect him. Now its time to help the self emerge and shine in all its natural beauty.

As I chip the old paint off this wall in my parents house its reminding me of the never ending process.

Just when I thought I was there. I needed to take a step back and realise there is more than just one wall and even a part of the wall that you can't reach from just standing.

I dont know exactly what will be coming for me. But what is needed from me right now is stabilty and freedom to create. Create for myself and not just others.

It will take some getting used to but I’m still finding the balance and the rhythm of the dance between the worlds. I spent so long upside down its fair enough that I’ll wobble a little as I adjust to being upright.

Just take your time. Realise the true character, the messy playful part, that lies beneath the perfect paint job.