You are not perfect. That is okay.
I’ve been on this self development journey over the past year. Shedding a complete false self that I had built to protect the person I actually was because I feared that the world wouldn't like him. I had reached a point a month ago where I started to feel like I was getting it all and didn't feel that lost for a brief period. I thought id figured it out. But I still was tapped into the external world and not looking and genuinely listening within as to what my soul needs. I was still using work and my goals as a cover and it is the addiction that has its biggest grip on my life. I use it as a way to prove my worth and value I feel I never deserved to have because I never felt like I fit in and that I could be enough in a world I thought didn't want me. But because Im doing things I enjoy like writing or screen printing or designing websites it seems productive and others applaud it. But for me it is a way to avoid just being. Just existing and appreciating all the beautiful people in my life around me. LIfe was too painful for too long, feeling like no one wanted the person I actually was, even though I had so much love around me. Comes from early in my childhood. But because of this I built an armour and shell around me that could protect the actual self inside from being hurt anymore. And this past year has been a journey of cracking that tough shell that had hardened over time of hiding inside it. All I wanted to do as a kid was write draw do parkour and take photos but the world around me told me to get real and just stop trying to do that you can't make money from that. Id sing and dance to music and climb trees and not care what others thought, I was just doing what called me at that moment. This world now likes to call it ADHD or not able to control impulses, and yes there may be some truth to it. But really I just tapped into my impulses and listened inside and did what my soul needed in that moment. But over time some of those parts became toxic impulses. An addiction to working to prove my worth. An addiction to buying books to learn all I can and prove my worth with my knowledge. Whilst both seem good on the outside, they are tainted with a desire to be more and need more and need others to tell me I am enough. It also manifests in me as a feeling I need to be perfect through fear of being exiled from culture or from my internal tribe. If I don't strive to be perfect and keep myself in this prison of control and being what I think I should be I feel like I have failed those around me. Recently I had reached a peaceful and content moment in my life, and thought ‘yeah this feels good, this goes on forever right’. Nope. Back to riding the wave of life. Yesterday I was so incredibly low and I couldn't explain why and put a finger on it. With the help of my kind parents and amazing girlfriend and sitting with myself just listening I realised again how much I was working and stuck in this cycle of control. I was still being so sososos fucking hard on myself to build this amazing productive routine and if I didn't get the work done I wanted to in that one day I felt Id let myself down.
[Rest of writing here, the dots word limit reached] https://www.joshhester.co.uk/journal/you-are-not-perfect-that-is-okay
- @Linsey M Thank you for your kind words. Ye i am being a lot easier on my self but find my self slipping back into it often. But the more I become aware of it and conscious of it the easeir it gets.
- Great articulation of what I am sure many can relate to. I hope you feel more at peace with not having to be/do something or more of this or that!Think I already recommended this but enjoyed this book recently, as she articulates this topic amongst creative people/productivity guilt, the need to do more etc...https://www.madeleinedore.com/booksArchive on other creative routines etc...https://extraordinaryroutines.com/homeLOVE this print tohttps://www.marbyandelm.com/store/products,done-is-better-than-perfect-poster-limited-edition_345.htmHope you find what works for you but know everyone has similar feelings of needing to be more/do more and I do feel this is something which has been amplified in recent years due to social media, internet and focus on self development (podcasts, books, businesses). It is important to remember self development is also a huge booming business too. Sidenote: there are SO many twitter business, content creators and so on making mega on writing bullet pointers on how to 'wake up', be disciplined, earn more, have the best routine etc..... and it can be overwhelming if you let it seap in.Reading books is ace but having fun, being in the moment, taking action and not thinking about self development but rather living/being/enjoying is important too!Have a good week :)
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