When I realized I was gay, I felt the bizarre and inexplicable urge to dosomething about it. Maybe go out and buy a hoard of Main Coons or cut my hair into a classic indie dyke/Mia Wallace-esque bob (micro-bangs included, of course).
This was the dilemma I faced at 19, after “misplacing” my virginity in the unmade bed of a rugby player from college. I say misplaced — like I left it in the DVD aisle in the local Aldi — because despite virginity being a social construct, I couldn’t help but feel like I had made some sort of irreversible mistake.
I was the last out of my friend group to lose my virginity. I felt oddly childlike, left in the dust kicked up by the blossoming young adults around me. Time was weighing on me like the two bottles of Echo Falls I had carted back from Bargain Booze in order for the “misplacing” to occur in the first place. It felt like something I was expected to do. You know, fly the nest to college, Have Sex, wake up a Changed Woman, realize you’re not actually a Changed Woman at all, repeat the process ad infinitum.
It wasn’t bad sex. It wasn’t his fault. I just woke up the next day and, instead of feeling like a New Woman, seriously considered the thought that I might be gay. I considered that thought over and over again during the following weeks and months. Finally, I admitted it — I was very, very gay.
In retrospect, I have no idea how I didn’t realize it sooner. But once I did, there was no going back. When I knew for sure that in the distant future I would want to marry a woman, this sense of calm washed over me. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops: I! Loved! Women!
So, what does a baby dyke like me do now? A baby dyke is, in short, a dyke who hasn’t reached their full dyke potential yet. A person who is still learning the ropes of the community. They’ve just come out the closet, which is full of flannels and snapbacks, and they most likely really, really wish there was a book called How to be a Lesbian for Dummies.
I first heard the term from my friend, an Established Dyke, who was quick to take me under her wing and show me the ropes of my new sexuality. I’m eternally grateful to her, and am now kindly passing her wisdom down to you.
You’re welcome!
Lesbian Tinder is VERY different from Straight Tinder
Instead of the usual nondescript “hey”s and “wuu2?”s, you’ll probably receive first messages along the lines of “you’re so ethereal that you could step on me and I would thank you.” At first, you might feel like a stranger in a new, gay land. Why is everybody so nice? Surely, they must have ulterior motives. Turns out: most lesbians are just really nice and in touch with their emotions. Shocking, I know.
Dating Apps Are Emotional Minefields
At the time of my Great Gay Awakening, I was living in a backwater town in the middle of a conservative area of England. That’s when I discovered Tinder and, what my friends and I call, “The Lesbian Circle.” According to ancient lore, the Lesbian Circle dictates that every lesbian you will encounter during your travels through Tinderland will have slept with and/or dated another lesbian you’ve encountered on that godforsaken app. It’s like a high school reunion, except everyone is trying to hook up with each other instead of flex their 100K-a-year job in banking. If you’re new to the dating scene, you’ve somewhat lucked out. Besides the awkwardness of a Tinder date, you don’t have to worry about the girl you’re wining and dining having dated your friend and also your friend’s ex and also your friend’s ex’s friend’s ex’s ex.
Lesbians Love Astrology
You can’t scroll through LGBTQ dating apps without seeing bios along the lines of “Sagittarius sun, Pisces moon, Aquarius rising!” or “Water signs only please lmao” or the arguably more forward “Do not interact if you’re a Taurus.” There is an undeniable link between lesbians and astrology. Nobody knows exactly where this comes from. Is it because astrology is stereotypically linked to spirituality and thus femininity? Or does it have to do with seeking an identity and place of belonging in a world where our sexuality is so misunderstood? Who knows! Either way, you should definitely avoid Capricorns.
There’s Always A Girl Asking for Threesomes
Her boyfriend Dave is a really nice guy though, so maybe you should try it? Just kidding. Please don’t. For some ungodly reason, many people still view lesbians as existing only when there is imminent fucking happening, as if our entire sexuality exists just for the purpose of a cheap wank. Don’t be that dyke and fall into the trap. You’re better than that.
Widen Your Dating Range
Significantly. Usually from the standard 20km to about 150km — give or take a few kilometers if you (like me) live in the middle of nowhere. The sad reality is that outside of large cities, the lesbian population seems to be dwindling. You can scour the hills and dales over yonder for miles, and there might not be a single dyke in sight. Heartrending stuff. But broadening your horizons definitely has positives to it! Despite travel costs being a pain in the ass, you get to explore parts of the country you might never have considered before your new boo.
Lesbian Relationships Move Fast
Like, lightening speed fast. I can’t speak for every lesbian, but it’s become a trope that lesbian relationships progress at a pace one can only describe as “breakneck.” Hold onto your snapback, this is where the fun begins. That brunette you took out for a milkshake two days ago is now showering you with affection in the forms of teddy bears with your name on them. Within a month, she’ll want to meet your parents. You’ll go on your first holiday together at the three-month mark. Ultimately, nobody really knows why lesbian relationships are on steroids. All you can do is buckle up and enjoy the ride.
In fact, that’s my best advice to young baby dykes everywhere. Dating is indeed an emotional minefield, just as discovering and exploring your sexuality is — just relax and enjoy it all! Throw yourself in headfirst and use it as an opportunity to meet as many people as possible. Even if they don’t become your “forever” love, you’ll definitely find a community of people who accept and love you just as you are.
Now go forth and get laid! And avoid as many exes as you can along the way.