[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Blue bold text that reads: “International Mens Day November 2019”]
WRITTEN 20 NOVEMBER 2019.
“Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.” — Brené Brown
19 November 2019. Yesterday, it was International Men's Day and I felt like writing this so I write. In a world where most men have agency and autonomy to express themselves, do whatever they want when they want and are a full part of society, let’s NOT forget disabled men who are never included in the narrative around masculinity.
As a Disabled AF, active intersectional ally-in-progress, creative, socially conscious entrepreneur, South Asian man, I have never felt like I ‘fit’ into the concept and accepted parameters of masculinity and still don’t. Having a degenerative, Neuromuscular, muscle-wasting disease (with a body weaken by Muscular Dystrophy and a spine unstructured and twisted like ‘wet spaghetti’ by severe Scoliosis), I struggle with what it means to be a ‘man’ in 2019. For example, I’ll never be able to go to the gym to ‘get lean’ or build muscle, I don’t have ‘physical strength’, I’m dependent on others for all daily physical tasks, I can’t give anyone a hug when I want (and few ever hug me even though I’m a big hugger). I do not want to be a part of any form of toxicity (masculine or feminine) either, and I want to be a good fem-ally-in-progress but not knowing how I can be my way, et cetera.
However, I’m unlearning (and relearning) daily where I fit into masculinity and redefining what it is to be a man on my terms. The internalised ableism, imposter syndrome, shame (and guilt) and negative energy (people and environments) won’t control my life anymore. I’m more than you think and more significant than this creatively crip body will ever give me credit for. It is essential for my holistic wellbeing: it is part of my PHYSICAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, SOCIAL, AND SPIRITUAL maintenance. I am starting to demand better for myself as I deserve it and I am going to slay.
And on top everything else disabled men have to deal with so much like ableism, isolation, and an inaccessible world, and if you’re disabled in the UK:
- Disabled people are more than twice as likely to be unemployed as non-disabled people.
- Life costs you £583 more on average a month if you’re disabled.
- A substantially higher proportion of individuals who live in families with disabled members live in poverty, compared to individuals who live in families where no one is disabled.
- Nearly half of the British public (43%) do not personally know anyone who is disabled.
- A massive 76% (less than 2 in 10) have never invited a disabled person to their home or a social occasion.
- Half (1 in 2) have never started a conversation with someone who is disabled.
- Only 1 in 20 have ever dated a disabled person.
So, to all the disabled men out there: I hear you, I see you, I feel you; you are valued, you are needed, you are loved. You’re doing great and you’re alright. And I got you. We are always enough, and we got this.
Also, society must open up conversations around masculinity to include us, and disabled men must be a part of any future solutions for a more equitable, inclusive, empathetic, world where men are obviously a part of. Unless we have full equity for ALL of us, then none of us can succeed.
YƐn kɔ! In Twi, this means “let’s go.”
As Audre Lorde best said: “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
ONWARDS and UPWARDS.