"The Evolution of Women": How H.E.R's Discography Scored my University Experience
A timeline of my journey through university and how this coincided with my love for H.E.R.'s music.
We all have that one song, or songs, that we treat as a backdrop to our lives. When you’re sitting in the backseat on a long car journey, looking out of the window, carefully following the lulling pitter-patter of rain against the glass. And of course trying to sneakily mouth the words, pretending to be in a music video. Yes. We have all done it, and if you haven’t, you’re missing out.
I thoroughly enjoy using music to narrate my own story. Where I, the protagonist, go through real-life situations, trying to figure out where my story starts and where it ends. Love, loss, friendships, growth; you name it. Music has always framed the different moments in my life, specifically my adolescence. Every transition and watershed moment came with a new song. And once I entered the confusing world that is “University”, I found the perfect soundtrack.
VOL 1: WAIT FOR IT
I have distinct memories of the first time that I came across H.E.R’s discography. It was November of my first year, and I was getting ready to attend a lecture. YouTube had that irritating auto-play button on, which at the time, you could not turn off. But this time around, the algorithm had struck gold. I was in awe. There was a certain familiarity to her tone. Her lyrics weaved through break-ups, to make-ups and crushes; it was like someone had held a megaphone beside my head and was vocalising all of my thoughts. I saw myself in H.E.R.’s music right then and there.
My first year of university was one of self-discovery; and although that sounds typical, it was an eye-opening experience. I was thrust into a new environment, in a town with barely any of the people nor things that I was used to being around. It was also the first time that I was away from home for an extended period of time, without the watchful eyes and ears of my helicopter parents.
Vol 1 for me was the beginning of my own journey, navigating a “crush” on a deeper level. The EP begins with the song “Losing”, written by H.E.R., DJCamper and SoundzFire. On this track, H.E.R. expresses her own desires to be with someone, who appears to only appreciate her when it “comes to the music”. At this point in time, I had not been in love, however, those that I had considered to be a potential love interest, had been as she describes it “choosey”. Hook-up culture is rampant in most, if not all universities. And my introverted and awkward 18-year-old self was chasing after an idealistic love which in that moment seemed fleeting. I often found that the desire to be happy in myself would override the desire to conform or compromise.
We all have that one song, or songs, that we treat as a backdrop to our lives. When you’re sitting in the backseat on a long car journey, looking out of the window, carefully following the lulling pitter-patter of rain against the glass. And of course trying to sneakily mouth the words, pretending to be in a music video. Yes. We have all done it, and if you haven’t, you’re missing out.
I thoroughly enjoy using music to narrate my own story. Where I, the protagonist, go through real-life situations, trying to figure out where my story starts and where it ends. Love, loss, friendships, growth; you name it. Music has always framed the different moments in my life, specifically my adolescence. Every transition and watershed moment came with a new song. And once I entered the confusing world that is “University”, I found the perfect soundtrack.
The EP ends with the track “Pigment”, where H.E.R. teeters between a binary of pinning for the love (and lust) from her partner, whilst also trying to navigate her anxiousness and insecurities. The track highlights this internal struggle through the effortless switch between vocals and spoken word. The song on its own is a journey within itself, with the first verse stating her intentions from the onset:
The things that I would do to you with just a couple seconds
I would color every moment, make you feel like it’s forever
I’m comin’ over, so you can start undressin’
I’m givin’ you a chance to finally make a good impression
On me, yeah
Her chorus greatly juxtaposes this brash and bold verse, as she speaks about the worries that she holds:
Because it’s clear I’m getting bigger
I know you visualize my figure
I was the one that made you look
At your old girl and reconsider […]
Secretly I’m anxious, ’cause the thirst has never been mutual
It’s unusual
That someone like you thinks I’m beautiful
My adolescent experience, primarily upon entering university, had me teeter between this confusing line: wanting to be a liberated being but also worrying that the other person may not have the same “thirst” or insatiable need. Listening to the song for the first, second, and umpteenth time, each line resonated through every experience. Hearing someone my age, vocalise the stingingly primal want to be with a crush, whilst still figuring out how to see oneself as beautiful and worthy, was the solace and affirmation that I needed.
VOL 2: BEST PART
My second year of university was when the intensity and pressure began to rise. The year actually counted towards my degree, which meant that the lax attitude surrounding attending lectures and pulling all-nighters had to be thrown out the window. I was over the hurdle of forcing friendships with flatmates that were less than ideal, and taking random modules that had nothing to do with what I was interested in.
I knew that “university life” and all that came with it, was truly beginning. H.E.R. had begun to grow in popularity over the course of 2017 into 2018, with her presence being respected and recognised by those around me. I had finally switched over to Spotify, and I remember the first song that I listened to, was “Best Part”, written by H.E.R., Daniel Caesar, Matthew Burnett, Jordan Evans and Riley Bell. Upon listening to the song for the first time, I recognised the melodies instantly. I knew this song. The chords, the call and response vocals from both H.E.R. and Daniel; it was reminiscent of a 90s love song. And then it hit me; it was an acoustic rendition of Nothing Even Matters by Lauryn Hill and D’Angelo. I didn’t think I could love the song more than I already did, but somehow I found myself playing the song on repeat as I sat in study rooms or waited for dance rehearsals.
The song encapsulates a type of young love that we all strive for. The butterflies in the stomach, the selflessness, and the constant yearning. H.E.R. starts the song off, followed by the strumming of an acoustic guitar:
You don’t know babe
When you hold me
And kiss me slowly
It’s the sweetest thing […]
You’re the coffee that I need in the morning
You’re my sunshine in the rain when it’s pouring
Won’t you give yourself to me
Give it all, oh
I just wanna see
Now, up until this moment, most of what I did know about love, came from reading Shakespeare, Keats, and listening to old school RnB throughout sixth-form. When I would describe what I thought was love, I would often use metaphors or simile’s to piece together the puzzle. H.E.R. describes the intensity for the other person in the most glorious way: the “coffee […] in the morning” and the “sunshine in the rain when it’s pouring” points to the little joys in life, which add up to this insurmountable love and adoration. This is how I understood love.
Although I knew that the song pointed to a relationship between two, it took a different meaning when I looked at those around me. The friendships that I had made, and the support system that it came with, seemed to be something that I had been searching for. Moments spent, cooped up in each other’s spaces, making the dumbest jokes and coming up with ridiculous ideas; with one-liners that could fill a script. I felt like I was living out this film as the main protagonist.
Dance was at the centre of my university journey, and in second year, I became enthralled with Heels dancing. Watching Instagram videos from the likes of Nicole Kirkland, Jojo Gomez and Aliyah Janel, with sparkles in my eyes; I was determined to throw on my heels and get into my “sexy bag”. Granted, on the first few attempts, I almost shattered my ankles, but the passion was there, and my body seemed to follow.
H.E.R. had begun releasing more, what I like to refer to as, “grown and sexy” music. It was also the point in which I had discovered the power of a darkened room, LED strip lights, and a Bluetooth speaker. H.E.R.’s track “Lights On”, which later became the name of her first headline tour is a sensual song, which leaves little to the imagination. Written by H.E.R., Scribz Riley, GRADES and Talay Riley, the song features booming synths that expand and dissipate like a flashing light. She begins the song, setting her intentions from the get go:
It’s dark outside
I’m feeling right with you, oh, you
Don’t turn off the lights
Can we try something new, oh, new?
[Pre Chorus]
Ain’t see this side of me
Fluent in the sheets
Can you read in between me?
I ain’t a stranger to the foreplay
So we can skip the wordplay
Dancing with a pair of high heels, whether it was stilettos or wedge, was indeed a different “side of me”. Exploring the tendrils of sex appeal, which I had to dig into the depths of my very being to pull out, seemed to flow with ease when I moved to H.E.R.’s voice. It was again, that same brash confidence and assurance in her tone, along with the smooth synths, pushed me to another level. I was in that moment, the lead in the music video, giving the most riveting performance for my 4 walls.
VOL 3: HAVING EVERYTHING REVEALED
I had penned a letter to myself at the beginning of my university experience. I insisted that I should treat the three year journey as a time for self-love and realisation. I had now made it to what I had been told, was the final lap. I was racing to the finish line, fighting to juggle the academic and creative versions of myself. They would often overlap, but third year seemed to extract the genuine love for my degree, and replaced it with a need to just make it out alive. In between being the head of a society, choreographing performances and other administration piles, I would squeeze some sort of alone time. I was also privileged enough to have my own space, which I used to my advantage. I was beginning to unravel as an individual: my narrative at university was coming to an end which meant things were coming to a crescendo.
H.E.R. had finally released her first album titled “I Used To Know Her”, which was delivered in two parts, featuring a prelude. It felt as if she was completing a trio; she had taken us through her own journey of self-discovery through her music. The album consists of 19 songs, tackling a new subject matter, with heavy undertones of gospel rippling through the track list. She had built up to this moment, using the momentum of her EP’s to introduce us to a new H.E.R.
I remember being told before entering the three year journey, that I should not leave with any “regrets”. Whether it was joining that society, or making friends with that one person; the mission was to leave feeling fulfilled. The thoughts of what could have been or should have been was something I attempted to overcome. Even with missed opportunities, there had to be a silver lining, right?
“Could’ve Been” featuring Bryson Tiller vocalised all of my emotions and thoughts, wrapped up in harmonies and synthesised hi-hats. The first verse sets the scene, with H.E.R. having an internal one way conversation with her thoughts:
Somebody give me, uh
Somebody tell me the answers
Me and you isn’t the answer (Uh)
Me and you isn’t (No)
Maybe I’m tellin’ myself that
But there ain’t nothin’ that’ll change that
What good would it be if I knew how you felt about me? (Yeah)
This back and forth was something I found myself doing often. Those questions of what would have happened if I went back on my promise to enjoy time with friends, over a potential love interest. I had found myself playing down choice encounters, lingering eye-contact and heart flutters as just something all in my head. It was one straight narrative: get the degree, make lasting friendships, and document memories. I had told myself that the ability to fit in a sub-plot would overextend the story, and ultimately detract from how I wanted it to be told. But as the rhetorical question H.E.R. poses, “What good would it be if I knew how [they] felt about me?”. There were particular lines and scenes that were following up to the final act. So that was that.
H.E.R.’s music was something that felt like a God send. In an interview with The Late Late Show with James Corden in 2019, when she (H.E.R.) was asked about the representation behind her name, she so eloquently explained the significance:
“I mean, it kind of represented this time, becoming a young woman and going through heart break and these things that happen. I call it “the evolution of woman”. I would always say “Oh, I’ll never be that girl that falls for this guy, or goes through this”. And I ended up being her”.
I felt as if I had reached my own evolution, going through these same experiences that I had claimed could never happen to me. An integral part to my growth as a person, as a woman, was learning to lose that façade of being an impenetrable wall, that could not be knocked down. H.E.R.’s music allowed me to have the perfect backdrop for every scene.