We’re The Generation Of Chasing People Instead Of Being Actually Honest
Article written for Thought Catalog - relationships, love, dating
We live in a generation where chasing one another is seen as more desirable than walking side by side. A generation where, if a girl doesn’t pretend to be disinterested or a guy isn’t wanted by many others, then we aren’t as attracted to them as we otherwise would’ve been. A generation where a girl is unconsciously tuned to pursue a typical ‘play hard to get’ tactic with a guy who she’s interested in, and where a guy has to spend all of his time and energy in pursuing this girl until he breaks through her set-up-only-for-dating-purposes-but-otherwise-nonexistent-for-her-family-and-friends-wall.
Why can’t we have conversations like normal people? Conversations which consist of us just being ourselves – honest, upfront and friends before anything else.
Why, despite being adults, do we act like children by playing mind games with one another in order to test each other out before we decide whether we want to go forward with it or just let it be?
It’s funny to think that – as independent, mature and intelligent-minded people – we’re conforming to this ritual of playing games at the get-to-know-stage of modern dating which, by the way look absolutely absurd to any rational person in a long-term committed relationship, appear completely normal to those of us who engage in them just because every other single person in our generation believes that this is the right way to pursue someone.
Don’t double-text him because it makes you look desperate. Don’t laugh too loud at his jokes because he will think you are interested (it’s beside the point that this is actually true). Don’t smile too much because you will look too easy.
Don’t call her more than once because she’ll assume she has you tied around her fingers. Don’t give her too much attention because she’ll always expect it, even after you manage to ‘crack her resolve’.
What am I actually making him work for? The ability to get to know the real me?
And does he know who he’s working so hard for? Because in the beginning, when I am playing all of these mind games of trying to be mysterious and hiding my real self because apparently that part of me is just so glamorous and only those who have the ability to break through my walls are able to see it, he doesn’t even know the real me. The real – embarrassingly clumsy, laughs-like-a-pig, smiles at everything, writes poetry, binges on romantic movies, chills in her bunny pajamas reading romance novels all day – me. Instead I’m putting on this act of being this incredibly enticing woman who is so hard to get and somehow he’s extremely lucky to receive even 10% of my attention.
And in that whole process, I don’t even know who he is.
Evidently he’s not some hot sex idol that all women lust over, but that’s the person he’s trying to portray himself as in his attempt of getting my attention anyway.
I find all of this absolute bullshit and I want to cut the chase and actually get to know you in a real way. You know, back in the days when dating before all of the social media likes and texting and facetiming and calling existed? Where you’d just casually stroll up to a girl you found attractive and all you had to do was buy her a drink and you’d get talking.
That kind of real.
There were no games. No chasing. No running. Just two people walking side by side, both oblivious to what lay on the road ahead.
The truth is that I’m still like that.
If I find you interesting then I will speak to you. If I find your company attractive then I will spend time with you. If your humor appeals to me then I will laugh out loud and not have a care in the world about how it makes me look to those who abide by this law of ‘feign disinterestedness’. I won’t indulge in frivolous games of pretending to be too busy to speak with you in order to keep you interested until you truly get to know me, and then realize that the distanced girl who I was pretending to be isn’t actually me. If I’m talkative, then I will talk to you about everything and anything. I will be loud and I will be friendly because that is the person that I actually am.
I won’t pretend to be rude or paint an attitude that doesn’t exist just to continue being interesting to you because girls who speak a lot, are loud, kind and sensitive aren’t your type. And I will request you as well not to portray yourself as the ‘wanted-by-many’ kind of guy just to seem desirable to me. Because believe me, honesty is what I find most attractive.
Don’t chase me and don’t expect me to chase you. Have a normal conversation with me. Walk with me. As a friend. Or perhaps something more. Let’s take this journey together.
Slowly. Step by step. Pace with pace. But be real with me. That’s all I ask for. Nothing more.
